quote

The Silence of the Algorithm

While I doubt that my own Twitter and Facebook experiences were/are general, I have periods of fascination with the way social media systems eventually failed me. I keep trying to look ahead to the near-future of digital social connection (without separating it out into an other thing from general social connection, even while I develop the creeping feeling that digital duality may not be a thing in cities but may be in sleepy seaside towns) — and I wonder if attempts at inclusion by algorithm aren’t just locking people in soundproofed boxes.

These are all part-formed thoughts I’m working through, but it strikes me this morning that Twitter going algo would break a (perhaps unspoken) promise made in an earlier age of the internet: that, like FB, it would become a heavily managed means of communication, with arcane rules of entry, that would have its own opinions on whether you get to speak or listen. Warren Ellis, The Silence of the Algorithm

Sorry, I blinked

And just like that, it’s the end of August. The year has flown by (which is to say, I was aware of every excruciating minute of it, but once past the moment I’d say “Whoa, where’d the time go”). I’m currently writing from Squam Lake (as I’m fond of doing), where I’ve been for the past week, enjoying the peace and quiet and not-having-to-do-anything of it all. I get up when I want, go for a swim, and fiddle with what I want (rather than what I feel like I should).
Continue reading “Sorry, I blinked”

This is fine. (Happy 2015)

This is fine.

For whatever reason, this comic (by the illustrious KC Green) comes to mind when I think about the past year. Not trying to be a downer — life is, on the whole, pretty good. I think why it feels so emblematic of 2014 is that so much of the year was spent trying to maintain an even keel, some level of equilibrium, as if I somehow had my shit together after a major personal, professional, and emotional shift. Did I actually have my shit together? No. Do I have it together now? Hell no. But it was still the right decision to make those shifts.

Life Update

I’ve been playing a fair bit of Final Fantasy XIV (Hyperion server, come say hi), which has been a nice escape distraction pastime. I’ve got two characters (yes, even on a game where you can play every class on one character, I still make alts), and have thus played through the main storyline twice now. It tickles the right mix of nostalgia, new fun and lore, and “the pretty”. We’ll see how long it holds my interest!

My brother Uriah came down to visit the other week. It was excellent to see him, and I’m glad he had a chance to explore San Francisco a bit. (We also got to see our cousins who live in the area, which is always fun.) We went for a really nice drive down Skyline, into the hills between the Bay and Santa Cruz, down through Big Basin State Park, and then back up the coast. One of the nicest things about it (other than some good brother time) was the lack of cars for most of the trip — it wasn’t until we were almost into Santa Cruz that we really hit any traffic to speak of, and there were long stretches where we were the only car on the road, winding through tall redwoods and the random opening out onto valley vistas. It was a nice reminder that some space and nature isn’t that far away.

Working through some depression and remnant guilt/overdeveloped sense of responsibility, but that’s pretty normal and not really new. I feel like I’m managing alright for the moment, which is a good spot to be.

At some point I’ll go back to posting pithy/interesting videos and links and writing essays and reviews and other such stuff that would be interesting to more than just friends. Right now, I’m mostly just glad to have an outlet for saying “I’m still here.”

Next: 2015

It may be a month late to do new year’s resolutions, but time is sort of wibbly-wobbly anyway, and they’re not really resolutions so much as planting tiny little fires under my ass to try and live up to my own expectations and desires.

  • Travel to at least one place I’ve never been (preferably in another country).
  • Create more. Even if it’s chaotic and a mess and not what I was trying to do. Because it feels good, and because it’s how you get to a point where you DO make what you were trying to.
  • Take my career next steps. There are a few things I’d like to explore.
  • Start dating again. It’s been over a year. It’s time.
  • Save some money. It’s a good idea in general, and there are also some known expenses that will inevitably be coming (e.g. my car won’t last forever, and it’d be nice to not have to scramble to replace it when it dies).
  • Make some new sites/redesign this one. Gets back to that “create more” thing. Too many of my ideas are “needs regular use/updates” projects, but can’t hurt to make them anyway, or come up with some one-off pages/sites.

These are my own goals/expectations/resolutions/desires/whatever-you-want-to-call-them — I’m mostly posting them for myself. That said, feel free to come up and ask me what I’ve created lately, or help brainstorm places to visit.

Wading into the Brambles

I’ve been debating doing NaNoWriMo this year. I’ve participated on and off for years, though I’ve never finished. At this point, it’s been a long time since I’ve written fiction (or told any sort of story, fictional or not), and I miss it. It’s a little weird to say that, since a) there’s technically nothing stopping me from doing it now, and b) I was never all that amazing at it. (I’m trying really hard not to just completely bag on my writing ability, since people seemed to generally respond favorably to what they read, and bear in mind Ira Glass’s quote on creative work, but it’s hard. Even with the stories I was moderately pleased with, there was SO MUCH room for improvement.)

I do miss it, though. It’s weird — I’ve felt blocked to the point of frustration for years now, and unable to bring myself to get past it, even though I know the answer is simply to keep it up until I get through the brambles. I’ve been thinking about it a lot for a while now — the dearth of creative outlets and making in my life, and it really struck home a little while ago. I was having a conversation with someone who is a maker and doer (and just generally awesome person), and we were talking about hanging out sometime, and they said they looked forward to hearing/seeing what I make. I was instantly filled with embarrassment, because I felt like I had nothing to offer to that conversation. I love creative people — it’s what I’m attracted to, both in friends and otherwise — and when given this opportunity to make a more solid connection with someone I already liked and wanted to get to know better, I felt like I had nothing to contribute.

Note, it wasn’t anxiety, it was embarrassment. I was embarrassed — I felt like I was a poser who’d been called out on their facade. I realize that isn’t really fair to myself or entirely accurate — there’s room for people who celebrate art and creativity, who are supportive and the first to cheer others on, and that doesn’t somehow make them a sham. But feelings aren’t rational, and it doesn’t feel like enough to validate the role creativity has on my personal identity.

So, it’s time to wade into the brambles again. It’s been so long that I don’t even remember what telling a story feels like on my tongue, the heft and shape of a narrative in my fingers. It’s time to correct that. I’m debating doing NaNoWriMo this year, and it almost doesn’t matter if I finish, as long as I actually begin.

The Happy List

If you haven’t gone through the archive of A Show with Ze Frank, I highly recommend it. The topics range all over the place, and the tone can vacillate from serious to silly from one episode to the next. There are a lot of times where I feel like he’s struck a chord, and says or shares something that deeply connects with me and my own experiences.

I could keep rambling about that (and maybe I will, sometime), but I actually wanted to share a particular video that I think poses a good question, about what makes us happy. Go ahead and take a minute to watch it, I’ll wait.

I love this concept, and is one I’ve thought about a lot in the past, the notion of the little moments or vignettes of experience that allow you a moment of happy contentment. It’s part of what I try to get at when I talk about the notion of “Festina Lente”. Being present in the moment, not rushed. Attentive. (It’s also one of the things I enjoy about Amélie — savoring the little moments, cultivating alternative pleasures.)

There are a lot of moments I appreciate, but here are a few:

  • Walking through dry leaves in the fall.
  • The smell of the woods and the fields after a good summer storm.
  • Biting into the first apple of the season.
  • Watching snow and ice melt into the brook on the first warm day of spring.
  • Watching traffic lights sway in the evening winds in the summer.
  • Watching a full moon rise over fresh snow.
  • Cooking and sharing a large meal with people I love. (There are reasons I try to celebrate both Canadian Thanksgiving and American Thanksgiving!)
  • Feeling the cool air on my face from the comfort of a warm bed.
  • Cupping a warm beverage in my hand after being out in the cold, feeling the heat seep into my fingers.

How about you? What are the moments that make you happy when you catch yourself being present for?